I have done a lot of reading and youtube watching over the last couple of months and it has become even more apparent that so many of us are suffering from mental health issues. No matter how ‘big’ or ‘small’ they may seem every single person has a different story to tell… or not tell.
I wanted to put my story out there for you all to read… I am the type of person who shares a lot, I like to talk about problems and make people aware of how I am feeling… I don’t think that it is a bad thing but I guess there are times, perhaps where I can share to much. This is not one of those times though as I am a complete believer that all of us out there should be talking about mental health. I don’t feel that it is embarrassing or shameful or even uncomfortable. It is what it is, and it’s so real.
Someone has actually said to me that “I am angry at the world and that I hate everything”… this is completely untrue, I just sometimes struggle with portraying my emotions. Does that make me a bad person? To them I guess it did but in reality no one understood how I was feeling and I couldn’t show or tell them… As I got older, alongside feelings of anger I became a shadow of myself… I lost all my confidence in my nursing, I always felt like that friend who no one really gave a shit about, the one that talked and talked but no one was really listening. Does that ring true to anyone? Eventually working long weeks at work increased my anxiety and I cried at work on many occasions just to try and release some off the stress I was feeling. At the end of the day, the job pushed me so far and it was time to leave and move on. Just because the one strand of the anxiety was out of the way it didn’t mean that I was “fixed” and that nothing bothered me anymore. I still feel all sorts of negative feelings, towards myself, the way that I look, my behaviour and sometimes I just walk around and before I know it hours have passed and a single smile has not crossed my face. Im trying to write to you and tell you how I feel but its very difficult to get things written down without it sounding like a whirlwind of nasty words.
I may have to take a pill everyday to help with my depression but I would much rather take the tablet and try and get on with my life, than not take it and feel like there is no happy ending to my story.
I would love for people to understand that there are so many different types of mental illness, not any two are the same and everyones journey is different. I want you all to know that its completely ok to talk about it, scream it from the rooftop, tell your friends, talk to you partner about it.. hell, talk to me about it!
What I really want is for people to be aware that mental health is a massive deal and I think that it is completely acceptable to tell your boss that you are having a day off due to your mental health. It is just as important as your physical health.
Its not much, but it’s a start to opening up and taking some of the weight off my shoulders.